No, Love Is Not Unconditional: And It Shouldn’t Be

Somewhere along the way, we were taught that love — real love — is unconditional. That if you love someone, you’re supposed to keep loving them through anything. Disrespect. Neglect. Emotional abuse.

You’re supposed to love your mother no matter how many times she guilt-trips you. You’re supposed to stay loyal to your partner no matter how much they manipulate you. You’re supposed to keep showing up for people who disappear the moment you need something.

Because that’s “unconditional love,” right?

No. That’s emotional slavery.

Real love has conditions.

Respect is a condition. Safety is a condition. Accountability is a condition.

Love that comes with pain, blame, and guilt isn’t love. It’s a contract — and you didn’t sign it knowingly. You were taught it. You were raised in it. You were expected to keep it alive even when it was draining the life out of you.

When someone says “you’re supposed to love me unconditionally,” what they often mean is:

• “I want to keep doing what I’m doing without consequences.”

• “I expect you to tolerate my behavior without boundaries.”

• “I’m relying on your guilt to stay in control.”

And that’s not love. That’s entitlement.

I wrote Mothered by Survival because I needed to unlearn the lie that love requires sacrifice at the expense of self. Especially when the person hurting you is the one who’s supposed to protect you. Especially when “family” gets weaponized against your healing.

If they expect you to love them unconditionally, but they only love you when you comply — that’s not love. That’s conditional access to survival. And you don’t have to keep living there.

Here’s the truth:

You can still love someone and say no. You can still care and walk away. You can still grieve a relationship while choosing peace over proximity.

Love should never cost you yourself.

➡️ If you're ready to stop confusing endurance with love, and start reclaiming your power, my book Mothered by Survival was written for you.